Have You Checked Your Phone During Sex?
Orignally posted on WeHumantics.
Earlier last week I went to a Mindful Tech meetup hosted by The Nest Reno and McLernon Co. As we entered, our hosts invited us all to grab a drink, fill our plates and set our phones in a basket located in the middle of the room. I had an idea of what this Mindful Tech business was going to be about, but I didn’t think we’d actually have to surrender our phones. They weren’t screwing around, we were about to have some real talk about our tech-driven lifestyles.
At first I was apprehensive, because (1) I’m a novice at networking and prefer my 5th limb for support, and (2) I’ve developed the belief that people only call me with important or urgent information when I don’t have my phone. So I worry.
My nervousness subsided when I realized my friend Nellie Davis, founder of Camp Out Yonder and all-around lovely human, would lead our discussion about staying sane and human in our tech-driven world. She shared some insightful tips, like sticking to a “digital sunset”, or setting a time each night when all tech must be shut down. It’s a simple solution, in theory, but even she said it’s a difficult ritual to stick to. I was intrigued to find out her son is the most strict about this rule, actings as the protector and enforcer of digital sunset law.
During the discussion we were asked about our personal smartphone habits. We all turned to one another, whispering confessions about our guilty techaholic habits, things like:
I sometimes go a whole 20 minutes before realizing I’ve been scrolling on Facebook.
I check my phone first thing in the morning. Every morning.
Sometimes I’m watching Netflix and also scrolling on my phone.
I checked my phone during sex once. It was on the bed, not like I got up to get it.
I scroll before bed, it helps me like veg out.
I’ll check my phone for something regarding work, and then I literally blink and I’m a half hour down the social media rabbit hole.
Can you guess which one was me?
It doesn’t matter, because I nodded my head in agreement to every single one of these confessions.
It was fascinating to hear all these smart, progressive, self-aware people admitting to mindless scroll binges during otherwise productive or sacred time. The guilt was tangible, heavy, and 100% relatable. The group sighed this collective acknowledgment that we were misusing time out of habit.
I wondered what our shared embarrassment really meant, and why we were so ashamed of something most of us do. It seems there are several reasons, all of which point to our fear of wasting time. I’m personally ashamed of scrolling because I know it isn’t a productive use of my time. Sometimes I’ll reach for my phone in a reactionary manner, or when I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, or when my friend shows up late and I feel too vulnerable to wait alone. Other times I don’t even have a reason for grabbing it, except that I want to, maybe to set my mind aside entirely. And that’s sort of terrifying, when you think about it.
Recently there’s been a controversial claim that we are in the age of distraction. This label basically perceives our modern humanity as the most distracted we’ve ever been, thanks to our phones, and therefore we’re losing the capacity to pay attention when it matters. While I hold the belief humans have always been easily distracted (Hey fidget toys, have you met your great-uncle Rubik’s cube?) I wasn’t that surprised to find out we spend over 4 hours a day on our smartphones — and maybe my apathetic response is the most alarming part. For many of us, 4 hours is roughly half the amount of time we spend sleeping.
Many of us check our phones first thing in the morning, and it’s the last thing we do at night. Not only does this compromise our sleep, but it robs us of pure solitude. If you’re in a relationship, it can isolate you from your partner … you know, that breathing being next to you scrolling through Reddit.
Sure, maybe believing what we want to believe justifies this self-soothing method. And sure, some of you reading this are thinking “hey stupid, there’s tech available to soften the light on our phones to lessen its effects on our sleep patterns”. OK, but there’s no tech that can buy back the time we lose by scrolling on our phones — I swear I searched for something of that nature on Amazon, just to be certain, and that tech doesn’t exist yet. Some people put themselves to sleep with their smartphone because they swear it actually makes them more sleepy, like a bedtime story. Or NyQuil. I’m totally guilty of weaning myself from the TV with my phone before bed, as if a smaller screen is somehow more sleep-inducing.
Smartphones and Intimacy
If you’ve ever woken up in the morning and noticed there’s a phone laying between you and your partner, you’ve got plenty of company: 64% of people 18–29 years old fall asleep with their phones. In fact a study out of the University of Virginia found that 1 in 10 students check their phones during sex. For real, people? I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, being the one checking Instagram or the one lying there naked and ignored.
I guess if you’re looking up a position for reference, that’s moderately understandable … but as we can all attest, somehow looking one thing up turns into a social media rabbit hole session. So, maybe don’t check your phone.
If there’s one place I think phones should be totally forbidden, it’s the bedroom. (Mealtimes should be phoneless too, but that’s a whole different post). The bedroom is the designated place for sleeping, making love, reflection and dreaming. We seek privacy and intimacy there. It’s the place many of us were conceived, and also where many people die. When you have company, the bedroom is typically off limits, or only available to those closest to you. It’s where secrets are shared, decisions are made and where many people pray. It’s a space for safety and comfort, for silence and stillness. A bedroom is at least all of these things, and for those reasons it is sacred.
Remind me what “Sacred” means again …
The definition of sacred is constantly evolving as modern culture embraces the idea and tweaks it to fit our modern spiritual needs. Originally, “sacred” was a religious term used to describe a space, person or object dedicated to religious or spiritual purpose. As we become more secular, the centrality of the sacred has shifted to self-care rituals like yoga, meditation, mental health days, love-making, energy cleansing, juice cleansing, crystal healing, bubble baths — pretty much anything that encourages solitude or silence. A sacred place offers pause from the chaos from everyday bullshit. It’s an opportunity to encounter the divine, do some soulwork, or just exist. By this modern definition it seems obvious to designate the bedroom as a sacred space. After all, it’s the room where we undress, where we retreat for privacy.
Thinking of it in this way, leaving my phone out of the bedroom kind of seems like a no-brainer. Then again, we can all admit scrolling is a no-brainer too, in the sense that it takes little brain power. Last week I made a pledge to myself to leave my phone outside of the bedroom, at least in the evening. I’m making the conscious decision to transform my phone usage from mindless to mindful, and I hope you’ll give it a shot too.
